Although I
was raised in church and was filled with the Holy Ghost and spoke in
tongues, I could not reconcile my sexuality with what I had been taught
in the church. I quit going to church and fell into a promiscuous
lifestyle.
I had very
low self-esteem and very little self-control. Although I "settled" into
a troubled relationship, I could not be faithful to my spouse. After I
was confronted by my spouse, I agreed to see a psychologist. Then I
began to attend Sex Addicts Anonymous meetings. After a year or so and
some success, I still felt miserable and I quit both. The success didn't
last long and I had relapse after relapse. I was in torment and I
couldn't quit.
Because of
my addiction, I could find no happiness in any aspect of my life. I was
miserable in my relationship with my spouse, I was unhappy with my job,
and I didn't know what to do with my life. I was searching for meaning
and for purpose in my life, but none of my plans seemed right. Whenever I
had a sexual encounter with a trick (mostly anonymous), I would walk
away feeling empty and powerless, wondering why I couldn't stop, and
praying to God to help me somehow. I was about to bottom out, and I was
beginning to feel desperate.
Then God
sent me a messenger. God sent him to a meeting upstairs at Chuck's, a
gay bar in Chattanooga. When he stood up to speak about Hope For All
Ministries, I felt something I hadn't felt in years: the Holy Spirit
speaking to me. After the meeting, I spoke to him and he gave me his
card and told me to call him if I wanted to talk. After several days, I
got up the nerve to call him and arranged to talk with him. I was so
nervous when we finally talked. I remember very little of what we talked
about except that while he talked, God was also speaking to my heart.
It seems that he mentioned Jesus being at the door to my heart and I
realized that this was what I had been looking for. In my mind, I said
to God, "I give up. You can have me as I am." Instantly, I felt peace,
light, and joy begin to fill me as my sins were washed away. My shame
and guilt vanished. I was finally free of the addiction and the torment
that had afflicted me for years.
I thank God for loving me so much that he sent Brother Randy to a bar to be a witness to me.